FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
