Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't trust your balls anymore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
