She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
