Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
