she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
