i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
