He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
