I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
