now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Two words: blizzard sex
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
