I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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