I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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