He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
