We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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