you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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