Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
