guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
