the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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