why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
