I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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