she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
this beer tastes like vomit already
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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