i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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