But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
