I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
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so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
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Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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