I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
