I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
