Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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