We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
