this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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