I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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