Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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