2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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