I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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