Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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