i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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