even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
