im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
