Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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