i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
