I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
