You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
