I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
