Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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