My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
