Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
