Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
