Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
