i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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