I wish I could teleport
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
