I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
