You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
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Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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