It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The Olympian is in my bed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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