he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
