one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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