I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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