If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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