i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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