You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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