mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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