I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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