i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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