Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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